7tacos Lifestyle magazine.

Phil Claydon’s 2009 Lesbian Vampire Killers

Ah yes, English movies (English as in the UK, not as in the USofA.) Why is it Praha comedic type horror movies always leave me laughing? Dead Alive, Shaun of the Dead, Boy Eats Girl…. all dark horror comedies that I love, and all greatly entertaining.

So it’s pretty much safe to say that once I added the video clip of the British gem “Lesbian Vampire Killers” to my sidebar I had no choice left but to rent it. Epitomizing everything B and then some, it called to me from the nether regions of cheese. I should probably tell you right out of the gate though that the promise of gratuitous boob shots offered by the trailer was nothing more than a tease, as they neglected to insert any into the actual film. But don’t think that means you won’t have a good time… I am here to assure you that you will.

I mean seriously - when a lesbian vampire is staked with a tree limb and her last dying breath is an exhale in the form of a fart… well, it’s got to be a good time, right?

Cause & Effect Centuries ago, Lesbian-Witch-Vampire-Queen-Carmilla convinces Baron Wolfgang MacLaren’s wife to switch sides. Propelled by jealousy (and most likely “Little Mans Syndrome”) Baron MacLaren seeks revenge by serving Carmilla her head on a platter, but not before she curses both the local town of Cragwich, vowing that every female living there will turn into a flesh eating lesbian vampire on her 18th birthday, and the Baron’s blood line, promising that once the last of his blood is born and sleeps with a virgin, Carmilla will return and basically all hell will break loose and ruin the world as we know it.

The Evil Bitch.

Needless to say that at some point in time, the townsmen decided to switch sides as well. Apparently turning gay is a better life lived than a life cut too short by being eaten alive by a hot lesbian vampire who just turned 18.

Result Two somewhat oafish fellows, naive Jimmy and immature Fletch, are having a rather bad day. Jimmy’s wife just dumped him for some married guy, while Fletch got fired from his job as a clown because he felt the need to hit an annoying little imp at one of his gigs (my kind of guy.)

They decide to go on a countryside camping trip and drunkenly choose Cragwich as their destination. After a particularly planned chain of events set into motion by a knowing innkeeper, our two boys find themselves holed up in a lodge with four somewhat eager and willing females with silicone implants and rather short skirts. The girls announce they are hoping to locate the Vampire Queen Carmilla, while the boys silently hope they will just get laid.

So while Fletch parties is up with Heide, Anke and Trudi, Jimmy hits it off with Lotte. Sparks are flying, beer is pouring, and shirts are coming unbuttoned…. but then the damned lesbian vampires have to go and ruin their good time by surrounding the cottage and converting all the girls except for Lotte. It’s at this time we learn Jimmy is the last of the Baron MacLaren’s bloodline, and it is the lesbian vampires intention of having him fulfill the curse/prophecy of resurrecting Carmilla.

They can die fast, or they can die slow. But die they must.

Conclusion Fletch manages to escape and hook up with the local Reverend Vicar who informs Fletch that Jimmy is their only hope of putting an end to the vicious curse crippling Cragwich. The way he is going to do that is with Di-El-Do, the only weapon capable of destroying Carmilla. (The fact that Di-El-Do resembled a dildo was purely coincidental I am sure, but fit into the film rather well. Kudos to the writers! Hmmm…. I wonder what the Reverend Vicar was doing with it all this time??)

Now…. if only Fletch can actually deliver Di-El-Do to our unsung hero Jimmy, who in turn could actually wield its death blow to the evil-vampire-lesbo-witch-bitch-Carmilla then maybe, just maybe, our two boys will finally get laid and the menfolk of Cragwich will finally have the long lost option of being heterosexual if they so choose. Good times, I tell ya! Good times.

Lesbian Vampire Killers is in a nutshell, delicious. The gore and blood effects were awesome even though they were a bit clumsy. I have to ask though, why do all the vampires in this flick bleed milk? Blood would definitely have been more effective but surprisingly the milk factor did not detract much from the movie. There was plenty of blood-filled gore to make up for it (not to mention a few hallucinogenic orgy scenes involving half naked lesbian vampires.)

Surprisingly the milk element actually added to the originality of the movie. It was certainly interesting -albeit somewhat weird- and definitely cheesy, but decidedly original. Probably one of the main reasons I did enjoy this flick as much as I did.

If you have not yet seen this one, I strongly suggest doing so. You won’t be sorry.